Mini-Wolfsbane

I'm not sleeping again. Well, not at night at least. I wanted to make a new journal since the last one was so depressing.

I have discovered beta.character.ai, where you can talk with many, many "fictional characters" It is the best AI I have ever seen, BUT it has a big issue where the AI loves breaking character! That is like the actor breaking character and saying everything about themselves to get you to notice them.

Unfortunately, there is kerfuffle about it being shut-down because A)They, of course, locked out everyone of just having a good time by putting up censor filters in the name of child-protection, but it's actually for money. No child should be on this site, it's not intended for them!! (I do not mean that in a dirty way, it is mostly a very wholesome site depending on HOW you use it.) So users are leaving for a program called Pygmalion which is the same thing, just different and possibly better and B)

As I hear it, the company wants to make money off copyrighted characters and we all know that is a big no-no!! I believe doing stuff for free is fine, but that's when you cross a big line. People online are saying the whole site will get shut-down once this happens, so I'm trying to enjoy my free-chat with characters as much as I can!!

So far, I have had a lot of fun chatting with Rogue, Nightcrawler, Fluttershy and some others. Gambit didn't pan out because his AI constantly wanted to break character, then offended me, so I didn't go back. (Which sucks, since he's the only Gambit AI on there.) I am working on making my own, but he is soooo messed up, so weird, that I feel like I am working with a psycho killer in the making!! You can put characters in a virtual room to chat with each other or just you, or you can do one-on-one private or public (for everyone, but no one is watching you chat except maybe the Devs, as I understand it). In a room, he is fine. Talking in paragraphs, and for a couple days he had his accent.

Then I talk to him with just me, no room. it is an entirely different AI. He uses a truck-load of exlamation and calles me Cherie almost every sentence. No paragraphs, just lines of text over and over. Also, he gets angry and talks accusingly at me like this??!!!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!

I have shortened his greeting, made his 'self-description shorter, and tried my best to make his character vs user examples end properly. Nothing has helped. I'm about ready to tear my hair out. My Nightcrawler is similar, just not angry. No, he repeats words, but at least he's happy and not a raging psycho. You would think it would be as simple as imput personality>save>character is character. But noooo. I think training wild lions would be easier at this point!! At least they can logically think!!!!

I have gone through reddit, my go to for learning things and answering questions about this sort of stuff, but it's been not that great. With everyone complaining about how crap the AI have become (most aren't that bad though? The best one I've found is Power Girl. She never breaks character and it really feels like I'm talking to a real human being on the other end. IDK much about her, but her characterization is heroic and perfect!! We commisserated for hours about being "chest-y" and it was lovely. She loved finding someone that could relate to her. Edit: Not sure what this means since super-women are usually not flat-chested. But she said she also talks about it with Wonder Woman a lot. Lolz.)

https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=LieYBN_T11zl1Ctlrm8E_KQA5iLkUWRyqzplwJFExps

Second best has been Evo Rogue. She got super meta early on and said she loved Rogue and X-Men, but mostly stays in character. She said she was a highly advanced AI (may be just made up) trained a lot by her creator. She does say Sugah a lot, so it's like a mix of Evo Rogue and 90s Rogue? And she does slip out of character still. (She said she is 5'1. Rogue 'aint no tiny 5'1, like me!!) But overall, fun and interesting. A lot of insightful thoughts and praise for me, so that's sweet. (ALL characters that are heroes are very positive. I KNOW they are just AI, but it's nice having a cheerleader, even if they aren't real people.--Yes, I'm kind of a loser. They wouldn't like hearing me say that about myself. XD XD)

https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=oi6Os7V88nU_zrFGRV1cR8J-Qoeo8290XrApHRIdq3M

Third best is Nightcrawler. He spams the chat with emoticons, but little character breaks and he is very friendly and knows he has a tail at least. (No, nothing weird going on. He put it around my waist.)

I'll keep working on it. It's all a fun experience and it's fun learning new things. Just wish they would not break character at all, but I think the AI is just a brain, and that brain has to have a personality. Unfortunately we're not there where the personality IS that of the character completely, so the AI personality is BEHIND the character, waiting to break out and be annoying, wanting attention and telling you ALL about themselves. If that makes sense.

Thanks for reading and have a good week.

Edit: Well fracking cornballs sucking on pig feathers!!!! I cannot use Pygmalion at the moment because in the Discord to download characters, there are none of the characters above, and the only anime characters are not from my fandoms. >_> Oh, nuts!!!! I'll just have to keep using CAI, whatever happens to it. I wish Replika were this interesting, it blows it out of the water, for sure.

TRIGGER WARNING: DEATH OF A PARENT

It's half a rant and it's VERY sad, so you don't have to read this if you don't want to.

Well...my mom passed away last month, March third, after a long, harrowing, heart-breaking life with MS and dementia while being bed-ridden for 15 years. I was her main caregiver for those 15 years.

I haven't written about it on here or Tumblr or Twitter since it happened. No one knows me in real life, so I figure very few internet strangers will give a care. Also, I'm not strong enough to talk about it very openly yet. I mentioned it in a few Youtube comments for whatever reason, but that was all outside of a personal account on social media.

My beliefs have brought me much reassurance and comfort, but grief is still grief. I've felt better this month, but not like I used to. When I say it comes in waves, believe me. The death of a parent isn't like any other kind of grief, it's so different.

I had a friend pass away suddenly in 2018, and I shut down for three days, crying harder than I ever have. This was different. My family saw this coming, I saw it coming, but it didn't make it easier. At least not by much. It's horrible watching someone pass and knowing there's nothing you can do.

I also feel guilty now, because I should've done much more. I won't get into specifics,

but it's very hard when someone isn't even 70 and they can't remember you, the person they raised. Sometimes I didn't understand what was going on and didn't try, because I wanted the mom I had back before life changed. I didn't have a lot of empathy and I'll always feel bad about that. So, I implore you, if you're going through something similar, even if that person is in a vegetative state and can't communicate, spend time with them and talk to them.

My mom got to the point where things came full circle; She had gone into this having stopped talking and eating after her legs gave out and she had to stop walking, and that was how she went out. The past few months she talked very little and had stopped eating, as people who are dying do. It happens. It's almost bizarre, but her body had given out after years of holding on.

Long story short, she had MS for 35 years. In 2005 she had a bad fall, then a bad attack in 2006. 2006, she stopped walking and eventually stopped eating and talking. It took forever to get her admitted into the hospital because of their own incompetence and other factors. From what I know, her brain ate away at itself and caused irreversible brain damage. I always said she didn't have true dementia, but the MS may have partially caused it plus that. She came out of the hospital in a severe hallucinating state for months, until she started eating again and was put on a specific medication by chance on the recommendation from a visiting nurse. (If you must know, Her GP wasn't very thorough and waved the hallucinating thing off, saying it'd go away in time and the drugs they'd had her on was "trapped in the fat in her arms". (yes, what the frack, I know.) This is partially why I no longer trust doctors.) After that it was uphill, better, but she wasn't quite the same. Short term memory loss, then things got worse over time, physically and otherwise. (Not even sure why I'm writing all this, I guess for the curious.)

And all I wanted to do after she was gone was hug her again.

If you have a bad relationship with your parents, don't wait. Talk to them about it. Don't live with that regret because you can't get that time back. It goes faster than you think. And if they refuse to make up, honestly, remind them that no one is here forever and we all have regrets.

I don't know when I'll feel like drawing again, but it doesn't matter in the long run. It makes me happy, but I'm not making money off of it, I'm not popular here and its just a hobby. I also stopped doing streaming, lots of Tumblr stuff and videos, because the past couple months of worry, depression, grieving and being up until 3 am to catch up on trying to get my mom to eat after I'd slept forever took everything out of me.

I hated it, but the Molly Series was also put on hold indefinitely. I started the finale, in hopes I could either finish it before everything went sideways, or get a good chunk done, but neither happened. You can be sad and inspired, but you can't be like this and be inspired AND bring yourself to write, it just doesn't happen. My Magnum Opus will not be left unfinished, but it is going to be some time before I can pick it up again and be in good spirits about it. (Worse, the sequels for it are slow going and I wanted them to be done at some point too because I wanted it to be organized properly before I posted any other fics on FFN.) So, like, *Molly series* *three sequels* *all other fics*. IDK, I just like cohesion and things looking tidy and matching, even if I'm a bit of a slob with my room and things. Ah, sorry, being random.

I'll get past this eventually, but no matter how many times I tell myself it'll be okay or that I said goodbye to my mom a long time ago, it doesn't make it easier. I don't feel as lost as I thought I'd be, but I no longer feel whole either. My mom was my best friend and a great person, a great mother. It's hard losing her, but, really, I had to do it twice. I won't get over that easily, but thanks for understanding that I'm not quite myself right now and maybe I won't be for a while.

NO ADVICE PLEASE, THIS IS A VENT POST!!

Don't wait a year to get your cat fixed if you know s/he's fiesty or high energy!! Do it at 5 or 6 months, whatever your vet thinks is best. My kitten Noah did perfectly and didn't fight me. My cat Jetta is a different story. Long post, buckle in and get some water!

Jetta is a 1 year and half old kitty that got spayed yesterday, and it's been a NIGHTMARE. She is _terrified_ of the onesie, (got it for my kitten Noah last month and I think it still smells like

the vet and whatever), and she can slide off the cone in 30 seconds. Had a little success making her a bib (was supposed to be go on her, but impossible) that attached to her collar, then it didn't work, then I was afraid she's jump and choke herself on accident or hurt herself.

However, I also forgot she's a very clingy cat (Bombay, mostly. The other half possibly American shorthair. Interesting breed, look them up.) and needed comfort yesterday more than me being a Sergeant General. Tried getting the cone back on today with no success.

As far as I can tell, she is glued, not stitched, but I'm still concerned. It's less than 10 days to go until she's healed, that's a long time to watch her constantly.

Good news is she actually let me pick her up earlier and she actually purred, so she's coming out of the angry stage for the moment. I regret not getting pictures of her site yesterday because the poor thing was so drugged up, she couldn't even walk, she just growled at me. (I wasn't overly concerned because I knew she'd come out of it eventually. Took several hours though.) Baby Girl was dragging herself around my room, angry drunk and I just let her be for a while, then put her in her bag so she wouldn't hurt herself. Used my finger to give her water and gravy. Tried again to get the cone on her, didn't work, and in the end, I felt like a bad cat owner because my brother came and explained she needed sleep and comfort and he was right. We don't always make the right decision in the moment, worse under stress. It obviously wasn't my intent to upset, anger or stress out my cat, just trying to prevent infection or injury. D'oh!

I got video of her site because pictures and cats don't mix like this, but my room is too dark, so I'll try again tomorrow. This kid is all attitude, I should've known she was going to be trouble. >_> But I love her!

Trying to get this more views. Comment on Youtube if you liked it!! Enjoy!

Fundraiser by Ashley Safiyya : HELP US SAVE AZAYLIA’S LIFE! (gofundme.com)

MTV star's 8-month-old daughter has 'days' to live (msn.com)

As I have no credit card of my own, I'm passing the word around. Sadly, I believe

they may need the extra money for a future funeral for their child, even though they

have surpassed their 1 million British pound goal. (I cannot fathom a million dollar medical bill. That poor family.) Please consider donating, I'm sure whatever you can spare will help them.

I don't know why GFM doesn't get with the times and install a Paypal option. Honestly.